love is the end.

And when i was drowning in that holy water,

All i could think of was you.

ive been thinking, only for the past couple of minutes, about how little ive done this year. A load of shit has happened to me and my family, ive changed alot, become a different person (ive bin countless people this year) but i can't recall actually doing anything.

Well apart from ruining my parent's holiday, and probably that of those who went with us; getting close to being chucked out of the house on countless occasions; breaking things - new phones, cameras etc; spending far oo much money on clothing i have only worn once, blah blah blaaaah.

i suppose the only thing i have done is become more outgoing, louder, less retarded, less SOCIALLY retarded (yes, i do now have what can be passed as a social life), i have acquired white hair, and a strange side burn thing which i fucking hate and at which i am very angry at myself for cutting my hair off. i have become more of a daydream, lazy, probably what most people would call self centered, but its not its distracted in my case.

i do hope this upcoming year will bring me more contentment with my life.

and after reading how much our vicks did last year, im setting my goals out infront of me. although i know before i start that my list will definetly not be as long!

1) get a bf, yes i want one.

2) grow the fuck up.

3) grow out my hair, and stop DIYing it.

4) DONT loose weight, be happy in my own skin.

5) be more healthy.

6) prioritise money and time.

7) GET DRIVERS LICENSE.

8) stop drinking.

9) focus on college.

10) into a university down in london.

11) smile more.

12) walk more.

13) live in the moment, and stop worrying.

so yeah, definetly not as long as victoria's :L

i'll probably blog tomorrow, eventhough i have to get more work done. today's session only made slight progress, but every little helps.

choclit time (:

a.

restrained.

No other words to describe it other than dark grey clouds, strangling, but without conviction, no reason. There's no other colour, just grey and white, and there's no escape - no amount of therapy even comes close. Your whole body aches, and baggy clothing seems to always satisfy. Its amazing when sleep swaddles you in a warm cocoon, and your eye lids drop shut letting your subconscious take over, and carry you away into a much prefered world, and comfort, contentment and ease overwhelms you, how much you can actually sleep without doing much else with the day.

ok so, today was boring. mum ripped me out of bed (literally, by the legs) at the crack of dawn (10.30am) to go for a jog. what an epic disaster. it was only 3 miles, but i walked about a third of the way. considering i used to be able to fully RUN a 5 mile circuit at the height of my fitness in summer, thats shite.

I then got home, had a bowl of porridge. forgetting i had used honey oats instead of the plain ones, i put in wayyy to much treacle, and made myself feel quite nauseous.

So then i watched interview with the vampire with mum (feeding my new interest). i realised how similar it is to twilight, and im now considering where stephanie meyer's inspiration came from, and that her claims to have 'never seen a vampire movie before writing twilight' maybe untrue. EG:

1. Lestat and Edward Cullen's similarity in both being able to read thoughts.
2. Louis' and the Cullen's similarity in being opposed to killing humans to survive.
3. In both stories somewhere along the line, we end up in Europe, and crossing the paths of the 'Vampire King' (for all intents and perposes anyway). IWTV's 'Armand', Twilight's 'Aro' of the Volturi.
4. When Gloria turns to Louis to 'make' her a new companion, its kind of like when Bella asks Carlisle to 'turn' her to be edward's immortal mate.
5. Aaaaand in both stories, you can only kill a vampire by burning him. (:

END OF GEEK SESSION (Y)

anyway, i then started 'Eclipse', and realised that the language is slightly different to the other books in the series and decided to put it aside for another day when i wasnt feeling as tired. had a nap, then went to work. i was late. and my boss knew it.

ERRRM then went home, devoured a box of chocolates with the mother, had a cuddle with dad, had a scrap with alfie the mad golden retreiver.

Today DID however, give me some useful (finally) completed decisions. i will not be partaking in any upcoming hunt for a new boyfriend. not until i have left college and gone to university (YES vicks, we will be going to london mark my words. probably with Laurence in tow. maybe Cain lagging a few days behind).

yes, amy bland had finally realised that it brings nothing but pointless hopefullness, more pain, and tears. im going to look up, all the time, so that when my prince charming does come along, i wont see him coming, and i'll be caught off gaurd, and he'll like me because im ditzy, playful, thoughtful, ridiculously head-in-the-clouds me.

i am actually, funnily enough looking forward to new year, despite the lack of a place to sleep. im looking forward to going to see the panto (after seeing the pictures of the actors in the box office. phwaor). im looking forward to being reunited with my beloved London once again on the 3rd of jan (Topshop wait for me!).

im AM not however, looking forward to getting back on the scales in a few weeks time nor am in any way shape or form, looking forward to going back to college, firstly because of the amount of dick heads i have to face EVERY SINGLE DAY (ohh yes, there is one particular smug looking twatface i am talking about); secondly because i havent even started my assignments yet; und THRICE, i do NOT want to do my politics exam.

I will never, unfortunetly, be inhabiting number 10. Seriously though, its not easy holding off that slight degree of pessimism.

anyway, tomorrow, some SERIOUS english work needs completing if i really want to go out for jemma's 16th. i suppose i'll be the buyer of alcohol? ohh dear god. So i'll be spending the day with Lear the insignificant, or Lear the senile or LEAR THE BLOODY BORING! ohh man. i kind of miss the english lessons me and victoria enjoy at college. especially now that we are done reading the play, some of the voices were bloody brilliant.

I am now, seriously contemplating either a) bed or b) eating MORE chocolate.

ey fatty bum bum.

a.

my life, my world, my room (:

ok so im here because its yet another attempt to vent some of the daydreams and subconscious stories my mind creates - an attempt at making some of them tangible. this is who i am - a daydreamer, a romantic. i am weirdly, distinctively aware of my surroundings and i was born too late by about 340 years (meaning that one of my obsessions is history - anne boleyn, katherine howard, marie antoinette. any great - or infamous - queen who died without a head).

i have only just realised that i've spent far too long trying to be the person i most definetly am not - neglecting my work and my family. I've also come to realise that you dont always have to look like you've just strolled off the catwalk to get a guy to look at you. thats the way it should be anyway.

yes, like any other 17 year old girl, i've been hurt, but you just learn from the actions you took in the past that left you vulnerable, which created that empty pit in your stomach. i'm still vulnerable, and paranoia and exhaustion has set in. the monstrous amount of time i sit in my bedroom, doing nothing, doesnt help, and is irritationg to most, but dont take it personally.

jazz, 80's and classical music are the things i attribute to my countless daydreams, along with romance novels, movies and fantasy stories. not to mention my new obsession with the twilight novels by stephanie meyer (thanks vicks!) .

Currently, im focusing on growing up, trying to get over teenage indulgences and fads, and becoming the person i want to be. im not selfish, just distracted. i also apologise if this is defeating the object of my first blog?

So getting back to my many obsessions - Expressions, the little vintage store on walmgate in my historic hometown of York. Topshop, just across the road, and The banana warehouse - Dave Dee shifts things to some. i've really never bought much in the latter, except vinatge china plates for my room, and a pocket watch. i just love it in there, its like a time warp. Errrm, like any female, clothes, shoes, treadmill (i wish i could indulge more in the latter!).

The kings arms on Ouse bridge, the one place with no bouncers on the door, and [Vodka] 'Revs' where we sneak round the back to get in throught the smokers area (sorry bouncer guy, but you do after all go to york college and see us everyday in our under-age states of mind!).

The mighty boosh - utterly the most vile, crude, ridiculously childish TV series ever to be made by 2 grown men - i am in absolute, infallible love with.

Art - always one of my stronger points, but at the moment the most neglected of my abilites (academic A levels: ARGH!) - never ceases to amaze nor captivate me. Whether its a Mme le Brun of Louis XVI, a Picasso, a Monet, or one of those natty little 'box art' peices with a picture of Catherine de Medici inside by Joseph Cornell, i'll stare at it for hours. Wait, unless its a Rene Magritte. Ugh.

Alright, i was obviously born in 1991, but 80's nostalgia takes up a dominant role in my head. One thing i will always be upset about is the fact that my mum threw out all of her 80's clothing, AND her Adam Ant stuff (will someone PLEASE get me an authentic Adam Ant: Prince Charming poster for my room?).

I really wish i had some form of fake ID, because the woman on the door of Reflex - the 80's bar in York (it has a revolving dance floor for christ's sake!)- ALWAYS ID'S me :@. ohhh bugger off. My daydream along these lines, is to go to a proper 80's disco, and dance to 'fade to grey' by visage, dressed like a new romantic (like in that scene in the second episode of the 1st series of Ashes to Ashes). ooooo, 18th birthday plans anyone?

Aaaaand that leads me to Philip Glenister in Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes.
'You are surrounded by armed bastards'. Need i say more?

Of course, being a student, i have my geeky side. So, rewind a year. im supposed to be revising (memorising in my case!) for my GCSE'S, what does the mother find me doing? reading a 34 page biography of marie antoinette on wikipedia. Ok i wasnt smoking pot or the likes, yet i still got a right rollocking!

Like my best friend victoria, Harry Potter (being an older fix) and Twilight (the new one) are my favourite book sets at the moment. they send me into further isolation and daydreams, but at least im not drinking (sometimes) or snorting cocaine (never). of course, the fact that both of them (when made into movies) somewhere along the line involve actor Robert Pattinson has nothing to do with it. eventhough i did see twilight 3 times this week. HA.

I suppose thats all i have. for now. keep you updated. I promise that all future blogs will not be as long, nor as boring, but introducing oneself is regulation ettiquette in my books/blog!

i WILL however insist on you all listening to 'Flightless bird, American mouth' by Iron and Wine. The most beautiful, and addictive song out there at the moment.

And will someone please make the thought of cutting my hair (again!) leave my head! i really should remove the scissors from my dresser draw.
a.