annum.

not a day has gone passed since last may when i havent thought about you; not a day goes by when the pain of not being able to see you gets any easier.

I wanted to know how much i still love you, probably more than ever, because i know realise how big a part of my life you played.

i can still remember how excited i'd get at the prospect of you coming to stay at our house, despite my age.

i remember the remnants of the 'big paint' day at the house in stamford, the story behind the huge red handprint slapped on the front of one of my reading books, when as toddlers, you covered me and emma in paint and slid us around the kitchen, subsequently covering that in paint aswell. then you 'buggered off' to the pub with dad (as my mother so eloquently explained) leaving everything to mum to clean up!

i can remember how much i loved it when you took us away for the day to the seaside; and that time that we had to drag emma out of the amusements because we were starving and she just wanted to play on the slot machines!

i still remember the resturant we ate at that day, and what it looked like on the inside. i think you had a pot of tea, although i cant be too sure. i recall on the way home, me and emma bickering, and you parked the car and left us there to sort out our argument whilst you went for a walk in the woods!

i can even remember the smell of the pub at thorganby. everytime i go to work i can smell that smell, and it always reminds me of you.i can remember the colour of the walls that you had joanne paint like bricks from an egyptian pyramid!

i can remember the stainless steel bar top that my dad said would get scratched after a while - i dont think it did!

i remember the funny gorilla cushions you had on those leather sofas in the sitting room in the pub that went all out of place when you jumped and played on them.

i remember spending one late christmas lunch time in there with you (christmas was never on christmas day!) and you explaining to us that the HUGE presents under the christmas tree (it had sugar coated orange slices hanging off it, with reels and reels of fairy lights) were for the children of a customer. i think that because me and emma took it for granted that you were telling the truth, you gave up your prank a little early and let us unwrap what were infact OUR presents before the joke was intended on being finished. I think that year you got me the who wants to be a millionaire game, and emma a bratz doll and make up set. that was the year emma pointed at your head, and demanded to know why it was 'so thin', in regards to your hair i think.

i remember having lunch at the pub after grandad's birthday party in march; i remember what table i sat at and who i sat with.i remember the countless times we ate there in the huge dining room with the lovely old fashioned fire place, and how id always wish you could sit with us, but couldnt because you were working. that stilton soup always sticks in my mind, how you'd said it was nice, and i orded it and hated it!

i remember the weekend me and emma stayed at the house in swainby, and how i loved every minute of it.i remember your little narrow kitchen in the cottage, and that morning the french kids had ham and bread dipped into hot chocolate! i remember that walk we had up to the old abbey up on the hill near the village; i walked with Herve and chatted about how to say 'cow' in english and french!

i remember how you and lionel used to call yourselves the 'oldest gays in the village' and how we laughed about it.

i remember wet n wild, when lionel hurt his leg and refused to go back again.i even remember the day you showed us around pump house when it was practically derelict, and i remember you planning to have a hot tub of some sort installed into the middle of one of the bedrooms?

i remember thinking how much i loved the kitchen in the new house, and the upstairs bathroom.i remember how we always planned to come and stay with you in sumer holidays at the new house, but never really got round to it.i remember always wanting you to be there on my prom day or at least see the photos. i remember wanting to tell you my gcse results, and how much i wanted to be able to drive to your house when i got my license. i really wanted to tell you that i got accepted into college - i dont think i ever told you what i really wanted to do for A levels.

at the moment, im making a dress, that really i wouldve liked for you to see.

it seems as though we were on the verge of everything being perfect for the family, when everything got cut short.

short of one year, i remember doris, your laugh, every little thing about your mannerisms that used to make me smile, that used to make me glad you were there, that used to irritate me when i was annoyed at emma! i remember your voice, the smell of your clothes, the blue navy fleece you were wearing that last final day, stood in the hallway, saying goodbye...

i just wanted you to know how much i miss you, at how all these small memories will be kept safe in my mind, how i wont let them be tarnished by time, or overshadowed by new thoughts. looking at old photos replenishes things - a few from warthill we found that are quite funny!

anyway, missing you as ever.

sleep tight, keep playing those cards and thank grandma mary for looking after me.

a.